Ishida Oneshots
by Malahi
Summary: A bunch of funny Ishida-centred oneshots involving various other characters.
1. Keeping score

**Ok i've been meaning to get back into writing for aaaages, and since it's the new year... My other fic shall be completed in time, but for the time being hopefully these little oneshots will get my inspiration back.**

"Twenty-six…." Chop. "…twenty-seven…." Stab. "…twenty-eig- OW THAT BLOODY BASTARD HIT ME!" Several unnecessary chops at the hollow remains, Ishida observed as Kurosaki Ichigo dealt the vengeful damage to hollow number twenty-nine, wondering how Kurosaki was only just noticing the pain from the attack that really came from hollow number seventeen.

Yes, Kurosaki Ichigo was truly an idiot.

"Ha! Take that Ishida! At this rate I've probably almost killed more hollows than you have in your entire lifetime!"

"You do realise that I've been hunting hollows on my own for almost eight years."

Ishida stated calmly as he pushed his glasses further up his nose. He swore was going to get better frames one day soon.

"Yeah well if I'm catching up already then that just means you've been doing a crappy job recently!"

"Well actually Kurosaki, I've killed more hollows than you have since our rivalry began, so if anything that just shows your severe lack of skill."

"Oh yeah! Well prove it!"

Obediently Ishida pulled a small notepad from beneath his cape and flipped a page. Handing it to Ichigo smugly, Uryuu laughed mentally at Ichigo's face as he flipped page after page, knowing that every day for the past six months was dated, complete with tally and total of hollows killed for each of them. The proof of the Quincy's superiority over the shinigami substitute was most definitely there.

"…"

"What's the matter, is the truth too hard for you to handle Kurosaki?"

"…You're such a nerd, I can't believe you kept a record of that for all this time!" Kurosaki huffed, throwing the notepad back at him in a tantrum before stomping off. Uryuu figured that he would probably be off searching for more hollows to kill in a vain attempt to even the score.

Catching the notepad and quickly adding up his own total for the evening Uryuu decided to call it a night. Let Kurosaki try and catch up if he could.

As he walked back to his apartment, Ishida realised that perhaps keeping score for all this time might have just been a bit…nerdy as Kurosaki had put it. Then again he couldn't really care less about that, after all how could he possibly resist the opportunity to rub his success in Kurosaki's face.


	2. Late night snack

"Oi, Ishida! Open up, oi, Ishida!"

Uryuu blearily opened the door, clad in light coloured pyjamas and rubbing the sleep from his bare eyes, glasses having been left next to his futon.

"…Abarai, what…?"

Before he could even ask what Renji was doing at his apartment at 3am, he'd pushed past him, located the kitchen, and by the time Uryuu had closed the front door and made it to the kitchen, Abarai was raiding the fridge, the glow from the fridge highlighting the blurry but unmistakable image of Renji stuffing his face.

"Oi Ishida, what the hell? If I'd known ya had practically nothin' in here I'd 'av gone to Ichigo's again."

Uryuu was admittedly having some difficulty comprehending what Renji was doing there, complaining about what food he had in stock after he'd woken him up and just barged in at 3am to raid the fridge. Had he been even slightly more awake he'd have shot an arrow up the idiot's ass about now, but since he was still barely conscious he found himself asking.

"What do you mean, Ichigo's again?"

"Ahh." Abarai paused to swallow before taking another mouthful of god know's what, "They got somethin' 'gainst feedin' freeloaders at Urahara's, so I snuck to Ichigo's for extras last night, made such a fuss 'bout it so thought I'd come here tonight."

Funny how all Kurosaki's problems somehow eventually wound up on his doorstep, or in this case, his fridge. The idiot wasn't even here and he'd managed to piss him off.

A bit more awake now Uryuu ground his teeth together in annoyance. "So just why did you choose to come here then?"

Another swallow, "Couldn't find Chad's reiatsu, and well, Inoue…"

Ah, well atleast Abarai had enough decency not to go knocking on a woman's door early in the morning. Of course it wasn't much, but at least Abarai seemed to have some elements of suitable decorum.

"…well y'know wha' crap she eats."

Or perhaps Abarai Renji truly did only think with his stomach and had no semblance of decency at all. Either way, being slightly more awake now and thoroughly pissed off as he spied Abarai reaching for tomorrow's bento, Ishida decided that Renji had pushed his luck enough. Of course he didn't have his glasses on so whether the initial warning shot was really a warning shot…

Needless to say Abarai Renji never tried to raid his fridge again.


	3. Helpful distractions

**Ahh! I forgot the disclaimer last time! And the time before! Don't own Bleach, and didn't when I uploaded the last two chapters either, hehe. **

Ishida Uryuu sat in class, uncharacteristically paying very little attention as his eyelids drooped and finally closed despite his best efforts. Damn that large group of hollows appearing on the _opposite side_ of town at _4am._ By the time he'd gotten back to his apartment he'd decided it was too late to go back to bed and he'd might as well stay up in case he overslept.

What a mistake that had been.

As sleep gently tugged him further and further away from consciousness, Ishida found that he really didn't care what the lesson was about. He probably knew it all already anyway.

"Ishida! Maybe since _all _of these _punks…" _A ruler slammed on the blackboard in emphasis, "…are too asleep to answer, maybe you can tell me, hmm?"

Well apparently he'd been caught. This wasn't good.

Quickly peering over his textbook he tried to find the answer to the question he didn't know. A quick glance around the room showed that he didn't even have the right textbook.

"Um…"

"I've got it! Tofu bunnies!"

And that would be Inoue-san, coming to his rescue by leaping to her feet, one arm punching the air in victory, her chair toppling to the floor behind her and half the class jumping in their seats, startled by her sudden and ever so slightly unexpected outburst.

Ishida made a mental note to thank Inoue-san for helping him later, their sensei too bewildered by the idea of tofu bunnies to remember to yell at him.

Sure enough, in the handicrafts club later Uryuu made sure to thank Inoue-san for her timely outburst that had obviously been staged to save him from embarrassment. Inoue-san was really so selfless that way…

"I did what now? Oh, it was no problem! I'm so glad you liked my idea, everyone else was giving me such odd looks afterwards! I thought that a bean-sprout camel might be a good idea too…"

…Or perhaps Inoue-san was just being Inoue-san.


	4. Emergency sewing

**I seem to have developed a liking to putting Ishida in the most awkward situations possible… **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach in any way, shape or form. **

Ishida had just been casually walking down the corridor, bag in hand and searching for a quiet area to eat lunch when all of a sudden a hand reached out of nowhere grabbed the back of his collar. He let out a muffled yell as his collar choked him from the front, and then with one swift movement he'd been propelled backwards and through a doorway.

"What the..."

"Ishida-kun!" And there was Matsumoto Rangiku, complete in poorly fitted school uniform, one hand holding her top closed as the other waved at him enthusiastically.

Of course the situation wouldn't have been so odd had Rangiku not dragged him into the boys' bathroom, if the urinals lining the wall were anything to go by.

"Um…Matsumoto-san?" Whatever was going on, Ishida could only be thankful that there was no one else in the bathroom at this moment in time.

"Ishida-kun, I was speaking to Orihime-chan about a veeeeery serious wardrobe problem and she told me that you were my man!" The statement was punctuated by a friendly pat on the back that almost knocked his glasses clean off his face.

"Y-yeah, what is it that you need Matsumoto-san?"

Ishida very promptly turned around after Rangiku let go of her blouse, announcing without a hint of shame, "They popped the button."

Well no one really needed to guess what '_they_' she was referring to.

Feeling his face turn an unnatural shade of red, Ishida decided it was a good idea to keep his back turned. "…I'm afraid that even if I were to sew it back on…" A moment to adjust his glasses, it was really becoming a nervous habit. "…_they_… um…would very likely…cause the same thing to happen again."

"Oh? But there must be something you can do, I can't walk around with them hanging out all day!"

Uryuu was very tempted to suggest she buy a larger blouse more suited to her…eh…assets, but not only might Matsumoto take that as an insult to her weight as many women tended to do, it was also very much not an option at the moment, considering the fact they were indeed both inside the male's toilets, and whether it was Quincy pride or something else entirely, he knew he could not let her walk out without a fully functioning uniform.

"Eh, I could always install a zip on it."

"Hmm? What's a zip?"

The next few minutes were awkwardly spent trying not to look anywhere he shouldn't while demonstrating how the zip worked on his school bag, because he most certainly wasn't helping dress her!

"Ooooh, you people in the real world have thought of everything! Yes put one of those on!"

"Um…I'm going to need your blouse. Gaaah, d-don't get changed here, use the cubicle!"

Of course she did as she was asked…but that didn't stop her from leaving the cubicle after she was changed to go and admire the hand dryer, soap dispenser, and the 'odd-looking sinks'. All the while Ishida determinedly worked with his back turned to her, praying that no one walked in.

Ten minutes later Ishida left the boy's bathroom with a rather red tinge to his cheeks, bumping into Keigo and Mizuru on the way out. The look Keigo had given him was strange enough, but the boy's jaw dropped as he saw Matsumoto Rangiku follow him out of the boy's bathroom of all places, zipping up her newly altered blouse and giving Ishida a not so subtle wink.


	5. Fathers

**Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach.**

Ishida had always prided himself on his reflexes.

In gym class many expected the petite and slightly nerdy looking boy to be an uncoordinated mess, the sort that would trip over his own feet and indirectly cause a train wreck. Ishida loved to prove them wrong. Time and again he would prove everyone wrong in sport after sport, even beating Kurosaki in track running. While he wasn't nearly as strong is Kurosaki or Sado-kun, he was strong enough and he more than made up for it in speed.

Nonetheless, speed wasn't good enough when, a split second after ringing the doorbell on Kurosaki's porch, screaming came from the other side of the door followed by the door crashing open, throwing Ishida backwards, followed by the weight of a person that had apparently just _dive-bombed_ through the door crushing him to the ground and slamming his head against the concrete.

"Haha! Take that Ichigo! That'll teach you to disrespect your elders." The…man, appearing quite blurred after knocking the glasses from his face, now stood in a heroic pose, one foot on Ishida's likely bruised chest. "You need more training yet Ichigo! You aren't a man so long as I'm…"

"IDIOT!"

Ishida decided that this was the one and only time he'd ever be grateful to see the orangey blob of Ichigo's distinct hair. The weirdo standing on him had been thrown backwards and cut off mid-sentence by Kurosaki kicking him in the face. Apparently the Shinigami was only just returning from school.

"ICHIGO!? Then who did I…"

"Shit! Dad you killed Ishida!"

"I'm not dead you dumbass…" Ishida muttered, sitting up gingerly while groping blindly for his glasses with one hand and rubbing the back of his head with the other. So this psycho was Kurosaki's father? It explained a lot. Hell, based on what he's seen of the man in the last…10 seconds, Ishida would even venture to say he was as bad as Ryuuken, just in an entirely different way.

"Ishida your head is bleeding!"

"I'm aware of that Kurosaki."

"Ichigo take him to the clinic."

Ishida had forgotten that this psycho ran a clinic, and he quickly decided he'd rather take his chances than have his assaulter attempting to patch him up…

Much struggling, more yelling and a failed hirenkyaku later (Ishida only just refrained because of Isshin's presence), and Ishida was undergoing a surprisingly professional check up, only ruined when Isshin offered him a lollipop for good behaviour along with the comment of, "There now that wasn't so bad now was it?"

Ishida glared so darkly that Isshin Kurosaki would be seeing it in his nightmares.

"It's just a minor concussion and a couple of bruised ribs. Wouldn't move around too quickly though. Sorry about all this, dad's feeling really guilty about the whole thing."

The damage wasn't all that important to Ishida, he'd certainly had worse. It would take his pride a lot longer to recover though. He'd beaten the 11th squad shinigami captain and (technically) lieutenant for crying out loud, yet he'd been brought to this sorry state by a door and a middle-aged man. Yes his Quincy pride had taken a mighty blow. Ichigo's brief moments of civility towards him certainly weren't helping. He couldn't believe that he'd gone through all of this just for an assignment Kuchiki-san had requested help with. Or rather the assignment that Inoue had told him Kuchiki-san needed help with, now that he thought about it, Inoue-san seemed to have been trying to get him and Kuchiki-san alone since soul society. Why she'd do that he had no idea though.

"Shut up. I've had worse…. Your father is a moron by the way."

"Yeah, sorry about him. He does that at least three times a day."

Ishida briefly thought about his own father and the arrow that the man had fired through his chest last month. "That's nothing. You should see mines."

Ichigo looked rather terrified at the prospect of someone worse than Isshin.


	6. Group presentations

**Disclaimer: I don't own bleach**

"Kuchiki-san, don't you think it's strange that this is the third time this month that Inoue-san has made us partner up for these group assignments?"

"I thought so too, she's not exactly subtle about it."

Ishida couldn't help but cringe at the memory of Inoue literally dragging him to Kuchiki-san's desk and yelling, "Sensei! Kuchiki-san and Ishida-kun will be a team!" Then she darted off, latching on to Aresegawa Tatsuki, completely oblivious to the fact Tatsuki had likely just broken Chizuru's nose _again_ after the red-head had tried to leap to Inoue-san and claim her as her own team mate.

And that was just the first time.

"Oooh! Let's have visual aids for our presentation! I'll draw!"

"Uh…I don't think that'll be necessary Kuchiki-san." After all, visual aids were supposed to be…helpful, not Chappy the rabbit.

"Fiiiine…."

An awkward silence descended on them until Rukia's eyes widened in realisation. "Hey! You know that dress you made for me back in soul society?"

"Yes, but what does that have to do with our presentation?"

"Ugh! Don't be stupid! I'm talking about Inoue!"

Ishida blinked confusedly, "I thought you were talking about the dress?"

"Inoue and the dress! Jeez you're as slow as Ichigo sometimes."

Ishida would have been insulted by this, except he really didn't care that he and Kurosaki were equally confused by Kuchiki-san's rapidly changing conversation. Besides Kuchiki-san had said _sometimes._

He was still confused though.

"Inoue kept mentioning that dress when we were going on about our group projects, I think she wanted me to wear it today."

Explaining that _before _would have been nice. Ishida adjusted his glasses and reminded himself not to say that out loud.

"Meaning that…?"

"Well it's obvious! She wants you to make me another dress!"

"Um…are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure! You go get to work and I'll start on this presentation, it's easy enough."

…

Both Rukia and Ishida were equally stumped the next week, when upon showing Orihime the new garment, the girl had redoubled her efforts to get them alone at every possible opportunity. Not only that, but much to Ishida's embarrassment, while he'd been making the dress, Rukia had seen fit to add the 'visual aids' to their presentation. No one ever quite figured out how she'd managed to incorporate so many Chappies into a presentation on renewable energy sources, but Ishida swore that their next assignment (and at the rate things were going, the next assignment after that and the following one after that) would be completely Chappy free.

**Ok, I'm not sure how many people will get the reference since there has been next to no hint in the anime later of Orihime being convinced that Ishida likes Rukia. Atleast not as far as I can remember. Unfilled plothole, I was sure she'd have tried to play matchmaker by now. Oh, feel free to suggest a character to accompany Ishida in later chapters, it's getting difficult now since he doesn't really know that many shinigami.**


End file.
